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 volcomstoner
Just one more xanax
Registered: 03/30/09
Posts: 4,956
Loc: Gaybec
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
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 Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle 
#668541 - 05/01/13 12:54 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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So I figured since all my legal shit is settled and I since I'm doing so much better with my drug problem, and coming up on 100 days clean of benzo's, figured I'd tell you guys my story....
So for the past year or so, I've had a growing problem with an addiction to Benzodiazepines. It started off with me experimenting with Xanax when I had just turned 17, I then took a bit of a break and took them every few months or so. My use then started to pick up a bit but I was able to control it and keep my life stable. Around march of last year, they grabbed me straight by the balls and I had not even realized it was happening. I had gotten myself into a situation where I was later charged with a drug related offense, this happened when I was still a juvenile, and because of lack of evidence this case was dropped no more than a month ago without actually even having to go to court, but this sparked off a small chain of charges I would later receive.
Two months later, very shortly after I turned 18, I was charged with a DUI. I had not been drinking, and in all honesty I wasn't even high, being very against intoxicated driving. But it was a late night and being tired driving slow and as cautiously as I could to avoid hitting a deer which has happened to me multiple times in this particular road, I was pulled over and accused of being high. That night my blood was drawn and six months later when the results came back I was charged with a DUI for having drugs in my system that night of driving.
The next month I ended up with two 2nd degree felonies after cops found drugs in my car while I was sitting in a park, a friend was driving my car because I was benzo'd out and had his stash in plain view inside my car which I was charged with. The next morning I woke up in jail with a vague recollection of what had happened the previous day.
After spending a few days in jail, luckily, I was bailed out by my parents who told me to "rot in fucking jail you piece of shit" just a few days earlier leaving me completely hopeless. Of course they just wanted me to learn a lesson and scare me into knowing that they won't always be there to save my ass and I don't hold it against them.
Some might think a scared 18 year old like myself who previously had such an easy life, would decide to get his shit together after feeling such hopelessness. This is completely wrong, the night I got out of jail I instantly went to a party to get as fucked up as I could. That was the last party or any form of larger social event I attended for a while. After that I spent a lot of my time at home, isolating myself still getting high trying to get rid of the thoughts constantly running through my head. Depression had hit hard, thinking I had completely ruined my future, getting the one thing I always feared to have, a felony. At the time I had plans to follow my dream of going to college hoping to pursue a medical career.
That entire summer was spent feeling largely depressed and was accompanied by periods of isolation. I would go out on occasion during a complete blackout binge of benzo's and before long I had ruined most of my relationship with friends of mine, also making my family very worried. Luckily I still had a few close friends that seemed stuck by my side no matter what trying to give the help I obviously needed.
Most of the summer, along with most of the past year actually, is a complete blur to me. When fall came, I had started school regardless of my charges being optimistic that my very high priced attorney would get me out of this mess. I loved college, I was able to socialize, and have fun while not being high all the time, of course it was just a community college, a UNI might have been an entirely different story nonetheless I still really enjoyed it . This is when I stayed sober the longest, doing very good in school putting a lot of effort into it. Of course, toward the end of the semester, I started back up on the benzo's, and this time worse than ever. I ended up being so depressed, I was mixing my drugs trying to get as fucked up as I possibly could, I would mix my DOC, benzo's with opiates, and meth. I was straight hooked and didn't realize it at all, I lost all of my real friends. I ended up deep into depression not even caring if the drugs I took would kill me or not.
Not too long before my court sentencing date, which by then I had gotten the original two second degree felonies reduced to one 5th degree and my DUI reduced to a petty misdemeanor. I give credit to a very close friend of mine in making me realize the problem I had. She was one of the last friends I had left that truly did care about me and believed in me, and was getting to the point of bailing on me so it seemed. That made me feel much to lonely to keep going on with the life I was living and decided it was time for change. I was able to stay sober for a bit and really looked back and realized I how out of control I had really gotten and how much denial I was in.
The day of my sentencing, I got permission from the judge to go to treatment and have my sentencing delayed until I had completed the program. The next day I packed my shit up and went to Florida to a highly rated treatment facility. I spent a month of inpatient treatment before completing it. I then spent about another two months in a halfway house while enrolled in an Intensive Outpatient Program and was able to get a completion of my IOP after I, and the staff thought I was ready.
I left to come back home, very nervous about the negative influences that I know would surround me. Thankfully, I still do have some true friends left that have been very supportive and respectful of my decision of sobriety and I have yet to be pressured or tempted into doing any drugs.
Now here I am, living with my parents, with no license in an unfamiliar town far away from my hometown, looking at only 9 days, instead of my original 45 days in jail. With the opportunity to get this felony wiped off my record if I successfully complete my probation.
I am doing much better than I have in the past year, I am talking to my friends again, occasionally spending time time with them. I am also the godfather of one of my lifelong friends baby girl that he recently had. I am going to the gym once again, something that was very important to me before my drug use and it also helps with the depression/anxiety that comes with the long lasting PAWS of benzo use. I am talking/spending time with my parents and family once more and feel good about how proud I've made them. To make of for missing my second semester of college I signed up for summer classes. Currently in the process of looking for a job, and feel like I'm just really enjoying life. I can't explain how grateful I am to get a second chance to get my life back together, and make amends with the people that worried so much about me and also the ones that I have wronged.
Well this is the story of my addiction, it was was a short-lived run lasting only a little over a year. But I managed to wreck a lot of things in my life in that time period and I'm very happy to have changed before it went on any longer.
/story
Sorry for the long ass post guys, I really don't expect a whole lot of people to read all that but just in case some of you guys are bored, thos place needs more posts... It also just feels to write about this experience, kind of get it off my chest, I've been kind of bored lately stuck alone at my parents place with no license or job yet. I did get a bit detailed but I got a little "too" into writing this 
TL;DR I had a serious problem with benzo's causing myself to obtain legal issues and ruin relationships with friends in family. Finally doing much better after going to treatment and have an optimistic view of my future.
Hopefully this will show someone what irresponsible drug use can do to you and possibly make them think twice. Feel free to add your own struggles, or talk about addiction in general. I want this thread to warn those experimenting with addictive drugs. And inspire those currently struggling with issues of their own.
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 Vas donc jouer dans le traffic
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 still beLIEve
State Property..Again
Registered: 04/20/08
Posts: 17,167
Loc: a world thats not my own
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 Re: Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle [Re: volcomstoner]
#668543 - 05/01/13 01:05 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Glad your doing better now. I know you probably don't see it this way, but it's all good. You're still very young and have all the time in the world to pick up the pieces and move on. It took me multiple times, and now I'm 24 in the same spot i was when I was your age. Finally moving forward now, but I wish I would of when I was your age. So do it now, you aren't far off schedule.
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niteowl said:
See, that term pedo gets thrown around a lot.
Is a 16 year old guy having sex w/a 16 year old girl a pedophile?
If not, then how is a 30 year old considered a pedophile for doing the same thing?
I think y'all need to look up the definition for pedophile.
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volcomstoner
Just one more xanax
Registered: 03/30/09
Posts: 4,956
Loc: Gaybec
Last seen: 6 years, 4 months
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Re: Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle [Re: still beLIEve]
#668544 - 05/01/13 01:12 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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For sure man I completely agree, I'm still very young, turning 19 next month. Very happy to have learned this lesson at my age while I still have the opportunity to bounce back and not be too far behind. I've definitely realized how lucky I am to get a second chance and plan on taking full advantage of it.
Sucks that this happened, but hey it can only get better from now on. The best thing I can do is learn from it, never making this mistake again.
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Vas donc jouer dans le traffic
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still beLIEve
State Property..Again
Registered: 04/20/08
Posts: 17,167
Loc: a world thats not my own
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Re: Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle [Re: volcomstoner]
#668545 - 05/01/13 01:14 AM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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niteowl said:
See, that term pedo gets thrown around a lot.
Is a 16 year old guy having sex w/a 16 year old girl a pedophile?
If not, then how is a 30 year old considered a pedophile for doing the same thing?
I think y'all need to look up the definition for pedophile.
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RasJeph
Psycho Pete
Registered: 01/14/09
Posts: 11,657
Loc: Bumfuckt Egypt
Last seen: 5 months, 10 days
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Re: Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle [Re: volcomstoner]
#668588 - 05/01/13 12:53 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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Dude, right on. Keep it up bud 
Its stories like this that make me glad I don't give 2 fucks for benzos. Glad you're doing better!
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Of course it's happening inside your head.
Why should that mean it isn't real?
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P-O
Registered: 10/08/11
Posts: 17,891
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Re: Coming up on 100 days clean from benzos/story of my struggle [Re: RasJeph]
#668592 - 05/01/13 01:29 PM (10 years, 11 months ago) |
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glad to hear your off benzos now volcom
keep thinking positive and stick to natural stuff 
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