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they're made out of meat
    #485244 - 10/05/10 12:29 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

"They're made out of meat."


"Meat. They're made out of meat."


"There's no doubt about it. We picked up several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, and probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in that sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take long. Do you have any idea what's the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads, like the weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there's a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat! That's what I've been trying to tell you."

"So ... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? You're refusing to deal with what I'm telling you. The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal!  Are you beginning to get the picture or do I have to start all over?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Thank you. Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"Omigod. So what does this meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the Universe, contact other sentiences, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat."

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there. Anybody home.' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"


"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in this quadrant of the Universe, without prejudice, fear or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they can only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the Universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we marked the entire sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the Universe would be if one were all alone ..."


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: Harry_Ba11sach]
    #485284 - 10/05/10 05:40 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)


An oldie but goodie :laugh:

The Ego is a pathological condition
like a calcareous tumor or cyst
that begins growing in the personality
in the absence of hallucinogenic substances
-Terence McKenna-

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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: niteowl]
    #485286 - 10/05/10 05:50 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

reminds me of that PKD short: Beyond lies the Wub

PS is it from the hitchhiker series?

Edited by kyuzo (10/05/10 05:51 PM)

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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: kyuzo]
    #485311 - 10/05/10 08:13 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

I saw this on the shroomey the other day
I thought it was awehigh then and I think it's awehigh now


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: CosmicFool]
    #485323 - 10/05/10 08:51 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)


You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.

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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: kyuzo]
    #485339 - 10/05/10 09:44 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)


CosmicFool said:
I saw this on the shroomey the other day
I thought it was awehigh then and I think it's awehigh now

The fuck are you trying to say?


niteowl said:

An oldie but goodie :laugh:

Yep it's a goodie for sure, I saw it probably ten years ago, but for some reason today I felt like posting it here. :shrug:


kyuzo said:
reminds me of that PKD short: Beyond lies the Wub

PS is it from the hitchhiker series?

ooo, post that!

and no, it's not :smile:


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: Harry_Ba11sach]
    #485342 - 10/05/10 09:55 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Dude, chill.

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.

The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for A.A. membership; we are self-supporting through our own contributions. A.A. is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution; does not wish to engage in any controversy; neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.

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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: Harry_Ba11sach]
    #485350 - 10/05/10 10:05 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)


Harry_Ba11sach said:
The fuck are you trying to say?

I'm trying to say it's :awehigh:
and not the first time I've seen it


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: King Koopa]
    #485380 - 10/05/10 10:51 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)



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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: Harry_Ba11sach]
    #485390 - 10/05/10 11:13 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

THEY had almost finished with the loading. Outside stood the Optus,
his arms folded, his face sunk in gloom. Captain Franco walked leisurely
down the gangplank, grinning.
"What's the matter?" he said. "You're getting paid for all this."
The Optus said nothing. He turned away, collecting his robes. The
Captain put his boot on the hem of the robe.
"Just a minute. Don't go off. I'm not finished."
"Oh?" The Optus turned with dignity. "I am going back to the village."
He looked toward the animals and birds being driven up the gangplank
into the spaceship. "I must organize new hunts."
Franco lit a cigarette. "Why not? You people can go out into the veldt
and track it all down again. But when we run out halfway between Mars
and Earth—"
The Optus went off, wordless. Franco joined the first mate at the bottom
of the gangplank.
"How's it coming?" he said. He looked at his watch. "We got a good
bargain here."
The mate glanced at him sourly. "How do you explain that?"
"What's the matter with you? We need it more than they do."
"I'll see you later, Captain." The mate threaded his way up the plank,
between the long-legged Martian go-birds, into the ship. Franco watched
him disappear. He was just starting up after him, up the plank toward
the port, when he saw it.
"My God!" He stood staring, his hands on his hips. Peterson was walking
along the path, his face red, leading it by a string.
"I'm sorry, Captain," he said, tugging at the string. Franco walked toward
"What is it?"
The wub stood sagging, its great body settling slowly. It was sitting
down, its eyes half shut. A few flies buzzed about its flank, and it
switched its tail.
It sat. There was silence.
"It's a wub," Peterson said. "I got it from a native for fifty cents. He said
it was a very unusual animal. Very respected."
"This?" Franco poked the great sloping side of the wub. "It's a pig! A
huge dirty pig!"
"Yes sir, it's a pig. The natives call it a wub."
"A huge pig. It must weigh four hundred pounds." Franco grabbed a
tuft of the rough hair. The wub gasped. Its eyes opened, small and moist.
Then its great mouth twitched.

A tear rolled down the wub's cheek and splashed on the floor.
"Maybe it's good to eat," Peterson said nervously.
"We'll soon find out," Franco said.
THE wub survived the take-off, sound asleep in the hold of the ship.
When they were out in space and everything was running smoothly,
Captain Franco bade his men fetch the wub upstairs so that he might
perceive what manner of beast it was.
The wub grunted and wheezed, squeezing up the passageway.
"Come on," Jones grated, pulling at the rope. The wub twisted, rubbing
its skin off on the smooth chrome walls. It burst into the ante-room,
tumbling down in a heap. The men leaped up.
"Good Lord," French said. "What is it?"
"Peterson says it's a wub," Jones said. "It belongs to him." He kicked at
the wub. The wub stood up unsteadily, panting.
"What's the matter with it?" French came over. "Is it going to be sick?"
They watched. The wub rolled its eyes mournfully. It gazed around at
the men.
"I think it's thirsty," Peterson said. He went to get some water. French
shook his head.
"No wonder we had so much trouble taking off. I had to reset all my
ballast calculations."
Peterson came back with the water. The wub began to lap gratefully,
splashing the men.
Captain Franco appeared at the door.
"Let's have a look at it." He advanced, squinting critically. "You got
this for fifty cents?"
"Yes, sir," Peterson said. "It eats almost anything. I fed it on grain and
it liked that. And then potatoes, and mash, and scraps from the table,
and milk. It seems to enjoy eating. After it eats it lies down and goes to
"I see," Captain Franco said. "Now, as to its taste. That's the real question.
I doubt if there's much point in fattening it up any more. It seems
fat enough to me already. Where's the cook? I want him here. I want to
find out—"
The wub stopped lapping and looked up at the Captain.
"Really, Captain," the wub said. "I suggest we talk of other matters."
The room was silent.
"What was that?" Franco said. "Just now."
"The wub, sir," Peterson said. "It spoke."

They all looked at the wub.
"What did it say? What did it say?"
"It suggested we talk about other things."
Franco walked toward the wub. He went all around it, examining it
from every side. Then he came back over and stood with the men.
"I wonder if there's a native inside it," he said thoughtfully. "Maybe we
should open it up and have a look."
"Oh, goodness!" the wub cried. "Is that all you people can think of,
killing and cutting?"
Franco clenched his fists. "Come out of there! Whoever you are, come
Nothing stirred. The men stood together, their faces blank, staring at
the wub. The wub swished its tail. It belched suddenly.
"I beg your pardon," the wub said.
"I don't think there's anyone in there," Jones said in a low voice. They
all looked at each other.
The cook came in.
"You wanted me, Captain?" he said. "What's this thing?"
"This is a wub," Franco said. "It's to be eaten. Will you measure it and
figure out—"
"I think we should have a talk," the wub said. "I'd like to discuss this
with you, Captain, if I might. I can see that you and I do not agree on
some basic issues."
The Captain took a long time to answer. The wub waited goodnaturedly,
licking the water from its jowls.
"Come into my office," the Captain said at last. He turned and walked
out of the room. The wub rose and padded after him. The men watched
it go out. They heard it climbing the stairs.
"I wonder what the outcome will be," the cook said. "Well, I'll be in the
kitchen. Let me know as soon as you hear."
"Sure," Jones said. "Sure."
THE wub eased itself down in the corner with a sigh. "You must forgive
me," it said. "I'm afraid I'm addicted to various forms of relaxation.
When one is as large as I—"
The Captain nodded impatiently. He sat down at his desk and folded
his hands.
"All right," he said. "Let's get started. You're a wub? Is that correct?"
The wub shrugged. "I suppose so. That's what they call us, the natives,
I mean. We have our own term."

"And you speak English? You've been in contact with Earthmen
"Then how do you do it?"
"Speak English? Am I speaking English? I'm not conscious of speaking
anything in particular. I examined your mind—"
"My mind?"
"I studied the contents, especially the semantic warehouse, as I refer to
"I see," the Captain said. "Telepathy. Of course."
"We are a very old race," the wub said. "Very old and very ponderous.
It is difficult for us to move around. You can appreciate that anything so
slow and heavy would be at the mercy of more agile forms of life. There
was no use in our relying on physical defenses. How could we win? Too
heavy to run, too soft to fight, too good-natured to hunt for game—"
"How do you live?"
"Plants. Vegetables. We can eat almost anything. We're very catholic.
Tolerant, eclectic, catholic. We live and let live. That's how we've gotten
The wub eyed the Captain.
"And that's why I so violently objected to this business about having
me boiled. I could see the image in your mind—most of me in the frozen
food locker, some of me in the kettle, a bit for your pet cat—"
"So you read minds?" the Captain said. "How interesting. Anything
else? I mean, what else can you do along those lines?"
"A few odds and ends," the wub said absently, staring around the
room. "A nice apartment you have here, Captain. You keep it quite neat.
I respect life-forms that are tidy. Some Martian birds are quite tidy. They
throw things out of their nests and sweep them—"
"Indeed." The Captain nodded. "But to get back to the problem—"
"Quite so. You spoke of dining on me. The taste, I am told, is good. A
little fatty, but tender. But how can any lasting contact be established
between your people and mine if you resort to such barbaric attitudes?
Eat me? Rather you should discuss questions with me, philosophy, the
The Captain stood up. "Philosophy. It might interest you to know that
we will be hard put to find something to eat for the next month. An unfortunate
"I know." The wub nodded. "But wouldn't it be more in accord with
your principles of democracy if we all drew straws, or something alonghat line? After all, democracy is to protect the minority from just such
infringements. Now, if each of us casts one vote—"
The Captain walked to the door.
"Nuts to you," he said. He opened the door. He opened his mouth.
He stood frozen, his mouth wide, his eyes staring, his fingers still on
the knob.
The wub watched him. Presently it padded out of the room, edging
past the Captain. It went down the hall, deep in meditation.
THE room was quiet.
"So you see," the wub said, "we have a common myth. Your mind contains
many familiar myth symbols. Ishtar, Odysseus—"
Peterson sat silently, staring at the floor. He shifted in his chair.
"Go on," he said. "Please go on."
"I find in your Odysseus a figure common to the mythology of most
self-conscious races. As I interpret it, Odysseus wanders as an individual,
aware of himself as such. This is the idea of separation, of separation
from family and country. The process of individuation."
"But Odysseus returns to his home." Peterson looked out the port window,
at the stars, endless stars, burning intently in the empty universe.
"Finally he goes home."
"As must all creatures. The moment of separation is a temporary period,
a brief journey of the soul. It begins, it ends. The wanderer returns to
land and race… ."
The door opened. The wub stopped, turning its great head.
Captain Franco came into the room, the men behind him. They hesitated
at the door.
"Are you all right?" French said.
"Do you mean me?" Peterson said, surprised. "Why me?"
Franco lowered his gun. "Come over here," he said to Peterson. "Get
up and come here."
There was silence.
"Go ahead," the wub said. "It doesn't matter."
Peterson stood up. "What for?"
"It's an order."
Peterson walked to the door. French caught his arm.
"What's going on?" Peterson wrenched loose. "What's the matter with
Captain Franco moved toward the wub. The wub looked up from
where it lay in the corner, pressed against the wall.

"It is interesting," the wub said, "that you are obsessed with the idea of
eating me. I wonder why."
"Get up," Franco said.
"If you wish." The wub rose, grunting. "Be patient. It is difficult for
me." It stood, gasping, its tongue lolling foolishly.
"Shoot it now," French said.
"For God's sake!" Peterson exclaimed. Jones turned to him quickly, his
eyes gray with fear.
"You didn't see him—like a statue, standing there, his mouth open. If
we hadn't come down, he'd still be there."
"Who? The Captain?" Peterson stared around. "But he's all right now."
They looked at the wub, standing in the middle of the room, its great
chest rising and falling.
"Come on," Franco said. "Out of the way."
The men pulled aside toward the door.
"You are quite afraid, aren't you?" the wub said. "Have I done anything
to you? I am against the idea of hurting. All I have done is try to
protect myself. Can you expect me to rush eagerly to my death? I am a
sensible being like yourselves. I was curious to see your ship, learn about
you. I suggested to the native—"
The gun jerked.
"See," Franco said. "I thought so."
The wub settled down, panting. It put its paw out, pulling its tail
around it.
"It is very warm," the wub said. "I understand that we are close to the
jets. Atomic power. You have done many wonderful things with
it—technically. Apparently, your scientific hierarchy is not equipped to
solve moral, ethical—"
Franco turned to the men, crowding behind him, wide-eyed, silent.
"I'll do it. You can watch."
French nodded. "Try to hit the brain. It's no good for eating. Don't hit
the chest. If the rib cage shatters, we'll have to pick bones out."
"Listen," Peterson said, licking his lips. "Has it done anything? What
harm has it done? I'm asking you. And anyhow, it's still mine. You have
no right to shoot it. It doesn't belong to you."
Franco raised his gun.
"I'm going out," Jones said, his face white and sick. "I don't want to see
"Me, too," French said. The men straggled out, murmuring. Peterson
lingered at the door.

"It was talking to me about myths," he said. "It wouldn't hurt anyone."
He went outside.
Franco walked toward the wub. The wub looked up slowly. It
"A very foolish thing," it said. "I am sorry that you want to do it. There
was a parable that your Saviour related—"
It stopped, staring at the gun.
"Can you look me in the eye and do it?" the wub said. "Can you do
The Captain gazed down. "I can look you in the eye," he said. "Back on
the farm we had hogs, dirty razor-back hogs. I can do it."
Staring down at the wub, into the gleaming, moist eyes, he pressed the
THE taste was excellent.
They sat glumly around the table, some of them hardly eating at all.
The only one who seemed to be enjoying himself was Captain Franco.
"More?" he said, looking around. "More? And some wine, perhaps."
"Not me," French said. "I think I'll go back to the chart room."
"Me, too." Jones stood up, pushing his chair back. "I'll see you later."
The Captain watched them go. Some of the others excused themselves.
"What do you suppose the matter is?" the Captain said. He turned to
Peterson. Peterson sat staring down at his plate, at the potatoes, the
green peas, and at the thick slab of tender, warm meat.
He opened his mouth. No sound came.
The Captain put his hand on Peterson's shoulder.
"It is only organic matter, now," he said. "The life essence is gone." He
ate, spooning up the gravy with some bread. "I, myself, love to eat. It is
one of the greatest things that a living creature can enjoy. Eating, resting,
meditation, discussing things."
Peterson nodded. Two more men got up and went out. The Captain
drank some water and sighed.
"Well," he said. "I must say that this was a very enjoyable meal. All the
reports I had heard were quite true—the taste of wub. Very fine. But I
was prevented from enjoying this pleasure in times past."
He dabbed at his lips with his napkin and leaned back in his chair.
Peterson stared dejectedly at the table.
The Captain watched him intently. He leaned over.
"Come, come," he said. "Cheer up! Let's discuss things."
He smiled.

"As I was saying before I was interrupted, the role of Odysseus in the
Peterson jerked up, staring.
"To go on," the Captain said. "Odysseus, as I understand him—"


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: Harry_Ba11sach]
    #485400 - 10/05/10 11:39 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)



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InvisibleiStoner Happy Birthday
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Registered: 06/09/10
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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: God]
    #485673 - 10/06/10 10:14 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)


God said:

You know how when you slap or flap meat, it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat.



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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: iStoner]
    #485704 - 10/06/10 11:36 PM (7 years, 6 months ago)

Cool story hansel, Thanks for sharing.


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Re: they're made out of meat [Re: kyuzo]
    #485768 - 10/07/10 08:45 AM (7 years, 6 months ago)

So the Wub wasn't actually the pig?

volcomstoner said:
I tried using a q tip to scratch the inside of my urethra it was that bad

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