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I'm thinking the high level of THC in most of the weed I have is likely just a bit too much for me, and my family doesn't have the cleanest record for mental health, so I probably have something that it's fucking around with, whether it's schiz or bipolar or whatever you wanna label it as.

Today I feel very cleansed, mentally. However I know that after awhile I can get pretty messy, but that could be the mirtazapine I'm on too. But ye, I think i'll just stop with it, taking it with downers (the only ones I've had are lorazepams, which I'm out of) would probably make it less anxious but nonetheless I don't want to risk being pulled into a longstanding psychotic episode.

I was very close to just "snapping" the last time-- I was having very vivid bodily hallucinations of feeling my heart ripping, and feeling it pumping what felt like lava (felt VERY real, and I went along with it for some reason-- though I was trying hard to talk sense into myself) my whole body felt very broken, was becoming paranoid of having many things wrong with me (another kidney stone/some kind of ulcer/heart attack/brain tumour) it was nuts. My mind sure knows how to construct a realistic scenario of something actually being wrong.

I wish the anxiety side of it would be wiped away, because otherwise it was super amazing-- extremely vivid CEVs. I was having OEVs as well, mostly they were distortions of my vision/photoshop-like filters over everything.

When I went to bed, after an hour i opened my eyes and I was literally in another space altogether. It was fucking divine. But also terrifying-- it felt exactly like sleep paralysis.

At one point when it was peaking i just closed my eyes and tried to get a taste for what sorts of things were going through my mind. Fucking mind was blown, I was totally immersed in synesthesia. It was as if I had no means of internal communication that was NOT visual.

This is exactly what happened on brownies which terrified me/convinced me that something was very wrong, and I knew this, so I was a bit more relaxed. However it was still very very intense, and the anxiety exuded from it kind of ruined the mindblowing aspects. Basically, for every bodily sensation, there was a visual counterpart. It became so focused on JUST the visual interpretation of things going on, that I didn't know what anything was. I say these shapes called "talanthpias" (my mind coined the word as I looked at it-- think scan visors from Metroid Prime, it identified it like that) which were literally the building blocks of thoughts. I could see an assembly line of all of the details that come together to form what one experiences as thoughts.

I wish I could draw what I saw but it is nearly indescribable. I will try, however:

Imagine a slab of smooth concrete, and on top of that is a set of rulers and protractors and compasses that are created from lasers and crayon, animated as if they were sprites in Yoshi's Island (that kind of chalky style). These instruments were arranging themselves around abstract shapes that would file in from left to right, as if they were measuring certain aspects of the shapes. The method of measurement, however, was too strange to really experience. It felt like it was "eating" the shape, and regurgitating it, and other measuring tools around it would simultaneously measure other aspects.

After this obscure measuring mechanism, there would be a grey tool with highlighter yellow lines on the edge instead of serrated teeth, which would cut up the freshly measured object, and those pieces would be filtered again through ANOTHER set of measurement tools. And that measured piece would get trimmed yet again.

SO in a nutshell, with synesthesia I was watching my mind construct an interpretation of something, visually following along. That measurement process and trimming process was such a small, small snippet of everything that went on. From there I could feel simultaneous bits being measured at the same time, some had physical depth, some were in my peripheral vision, some were not visual but were instead physical on my body-- it was crazy.

So yeah bit of a trip report~

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