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 ThreeLittleBirds
A Guy
Registered: 04/20/08
Posts: 752
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 Is this your marijuana? 
#202808 - 03/04/09 06:37 AM (15 years, 1 month ago) |
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http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/422643153.html
Date: 2007-09-14, 2:50PM PDT
Yesterday, I got a small padded envelope in the mail, returned to my address in North Vancouver because it needed a customs declaration attached.
Trouble is, I never sent this particular parcel.
My wife looked it over, and we realized that it had the right address, but there was no such apartment number.
We looked up the name at the top, but there is no R. Kent in the phone book, nor any people with the same last name with a similar street number. A quick search on Canada Posts website reveals the postal code to be valid on a nearby street.
My wife opened it, and you can imagine our reaction to its contents. We debated if it was a friend playing a joke on us, or if it was intended to be found and cause trouble. However, Canada Customs never found out about the contents, so the point is rendered moot.
I will keep the contents for now, and remail the envelope with a photo of its former contents with a short note saying if he gets in touch with the person how mailed it orginally, he can drop by and retrieve it.
He better hurry though, as I only intend to hang onto it for so long.
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"Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true........"
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ThreeLittleBirds
A Guy
Registered: 04/20/08
Posts: 752
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Some Advice From Your Public Defender
Date: 2005-04-26, 10:49AM PDT
First, let me say I love my job and it is a privilege to work for my clients. I wish I could do more for them. That being said, there are a few things that need to be discussed.
You have the right to remain silent. So SHUT THE FUCK UP. Those cops are completely serious when they say your statements can and will be used against you. There’s just no need to babble on like it’s a drink and dial session. They are just pretending to like you and be interested in you.
When you come to court, consider your dress. If you’re charged with a DUI, don’t wear a Budweiser shirt. If you have some miscellaneous drug charge, think twice about clothing with a marijuana leaf on it or a t-shirt with the “UniBonger” on it. Long sleeves are very nice for covering tattoos and track marks. Try not to be visibly drunk when you show up.
Consider bathing and brushing your teeth. This is just as a courtesy to me who has to stand by you in court. Smoking 5 generic cigarettes to cover up your bad breath is not the same as brushing. Try not to cough and spit on my while you speak and further transmit your strep, flu, and hepatitis A through Z.
I’m a lawyer, not your fairy godmother. I probably won’t find a loophole or technicality for you, so don’t be pissed off. I didn’t beat up your girlfriend, steal that car, rob that liquor store, sell that crystal meth, or rape that 13 year old. By the time we meet, much of your fate has been sealed, so don’t be too surprised by your limited options and that I’m the one telling you about them.
Don’t think you’ll improve my interest in your case by yelling at me, telling me I’m not doing anything for you, calling me a public pretender or complaining to my supervisor. This does not inspire me, it makes me hate you and want to work with you even less.
It does not help if you leave me nine messages in 17 minutes. Especially if you leave them all on Saturday night and early Sunday morning. This just makes me want to stab you in the eye when we finally meet.
For the guys: Don’t think I’m amused when you flirt or offer to “do me.” You can’t successfully rob a convenience store, forge a signature, pawn stolen merchandise, get through a day without drinking, control your temper, or talk your way out of a routine traffic stop. I figure your performance in other areas is just as spectacular, and the thought of your shriveled unwashed body near me makes me want to kill you and then myself.
For the girls: I know your life is rougher than mine and you have no resources. I’m not going to insult you by suggesting you leave your abusive pimp/boyfriend, that you stop taking meth, or that your stop stealing shit. I do wish you’d stop beating the crap out of your kids and leaving your needles out for them to play with because you aren’t allowing them to have a life that is any better than yours.
For the morons: Your second grade teacher was right – neatness counts. Just clean up! When you rob the store, don’t leave your wallet. When you drive into the front of the bank, don’t leave the front license plate. When you rape/assault/rob a woman on the street, don’t leave behind your cell phone. After you abuse your girlfriend, don’t leave a note saying that you’re sorry.
If you are being chased by the cops and you have dope in your pocket – dump it. These cops are not geniuses. They are out of shape and want to go to Krispy Kreme and most of all go home. They will not scour the woods or the streets for your 2 grams of meth. But they will check your pockets, idiot. 2 grams is not worth six months of jail.
Don’t be offended and say you were harassed because the security was following you all over the store. Girl, you were wearing an electronic ankle bracelet with your mini skirt. And you were stealing. That’s not harassment, that’s good store security.
And those kids you churn out: how is it possible? You’re out there breeding like feral cats. What exactly is the attraction of having sex with other meth addicts? You are lacking in the most basic aspects of hygiene, deathly pale, greasy, grey-toothed, twitchy and covered with open sores. How can you be having sex? You make my baby-whoring crack head clients look positively radiant by comparison.
"I didn't put it all the way in." Not a defense.
"All the money is gone now." Not a defense
"The bitch deserved it." Not a defense.
"But that dope was so stepped on, I barely got high." Not a defense.
"She didn't look thirteen." Possibly a defense; it depends.
"She didn't look six." Never a defense, you just need to die.
For those rare clients that say thank-you, leave a voice mail, send a card or flowers, you are very welcome. I keep them all, and they keep me going more than my pitiful COLA increase.
For the idiots who ask me how I sleep at night: I sleep just fine, thank you. There's nothing wrong with any of my clients that could not have been fixed with money or the presence of at least one caring adult in their lives. But that window has closed, and that loss diminishes us all.
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"Rise up this mornin,
Smiled with the risin sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true........"
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 dieselkush
Registered: 02/11/09
Posts: 78
Last seen: 14 years, 3 months
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I was too lazy to read all that, but I wouldnt mail that shit back with a letter. whoevers it is didnt want it to come back to them. nobody know what it is thankfully, so keep it. id smoke it soon off your property. you might stir up more camotion then you want by mailing it back. what if this dude doesnt want to be know about and flips out because someone caught his shit? you can do what ever, just be carefull.
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StormRider
Rider on the storm.
Registered: 02/27/09
Posts: 408
Loc: Eastern US.
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Re: Is this your marijuana? [Re: dieselkush]
#202835 - 03/04/09 09:26 AM (15 years, 1 month ago) |
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That is some funny shit. That's not even enough weed to justify the risk of mailing either. 
I've read that lawyer letter before. I was thinking about it the last time I was in court. If I had laughed any harder looking around at all of the perfect examples sitting on the benches I would have gotten a contempt charge. 
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